Ramblings...Just Ramblings

…I should be in bed…

meeshak — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 07:30:15 +0000

it seems either my best thoughts come to me as I’m drifting off to sleep, or when I’m awake when I shouldn’t be. I have to be up in T-minus 6:17 minutes from the time I type this and I’m still awake for some reason!

Regardless of that fact I found this website and I found it facisating. I figured that anyone that reads this would get a kick out of it

Click here

Anyways that all I have for now. Enjoy!

T-Minus 6:12 minutes and counting.

Rick Rolled….sorta

meeshak — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 05:17:10 +0000

I rick rolled my brother the other day…nothing really beats sending your brother an e-mail with just a link in it and then hearing him yell and swear from the other room lol priceless. And then I found this….

Cake...

“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the LORD*

meeshak — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 05:27:34 +0000

Recently my family has been dealt a few big blows when it comes to our collective health. My father has his cancer back in his ear (which they think they can remove again), also the arteries that are coming from his heart and shrinking, they think they can control this with meds but they might not be able too. My grandfather’s brain is shrinking, and they don’t know what this means yet. I just found out today my uncle who lives in england is dying of cancer, they thought they got it all about a year ago with some very aggressive treatment and he was feeling much better after, however he had a bunch of tests done recently and all the cancer is back and there is apparently nothing they can do now. We don’t have an expectancy on how much time he has, I just hope he’s able to make it to my wedding in May. Not to mention my mother who has arthritis in her back and then on top of that has to deal with the stress of her husband, father and brother in law all facing serious medical conditions. I love all these people dearly and I really don’t know how to take it all, I think I’m in still shock about it. I know our God is better than cancer, people’s brains, arthritis, and copious amounts of stress, I just need to trust in that in times like these no matter how hard that is. For those of you that know me / have met me, you know I love you all dearly and you know it takes a lot for me to ask for prayer, however….please pray! Pray for healing, pray that someone may come to know the Lord through this, Pray that I can try to get a glimpse of what God is trying to accomplish through all of this. Pray that Julie [CoR] Tinx will be strengthened when I lean on her during this time. But most of all, Pray that God will show my family and I his comfort and his love.

Thanks for your time, and please if your are going to respond to this and say you will help pray….please do so, one of my peeves which I have been the culprit of before, is saying I’ll pray and then never praying. I would love to know who is praying for my family so that I can pray for yours as well.

Thank you for reading this once again,

*Title taken from Jeremiah 30:17

….the Story isn’t over

meeshak — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 04:38:00 +0000

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my walk with Christ why its as crappy as it is. I think I’m to gullible. Go with me on this….

For years I’ve thought I’m not good enough, I won’t amount to anything, I don’t come from a good family, I don’t have money….basically no matter how hard I try I won’t be good enough, for my friends, my family, my love of my life, my God. My focus in writing this is mainly on the last point there. My God.

Whoever reads this probably knows I went to bible college for 4 years of my early 20′s, I was learning to become a youth pastor then some financial difficulties stopped me from going. This along with many many other things I took as a signal from God that I had missed the boat on my calling / ministry / profession (take your pick). I had prayed about this decision for about two years coming up to the time when you pick your college, and I felt so sure this is what God wanted for my life and then it just didn’t happen anymore…wait wait wait…I’m rambling here let me get back to my point (that is if I really had one).

Essentially what I’ve been trying to say is that I don’t feel things I do, anything I do, is ever good enough. I always think it could have been better had I not done such and such. However I was coming home from work the other night this week listening to my Ipod and generally shutting out the world as I normally do on my daily commute (I should fix that…hmm) and I came across the song listed below:

Little is Much by Downhere

What is the measure of a life well lived
If all I can offer seems too small to give
This is a song for the weaker, the poorer
And so-called failures

Little is much when God’s in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God’s in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much, little is much

Who feels tired and under-qualified
Who feels deserted, and hung out to dry
This is a song for the broken, the beat-up
And so-called losers

Consider a Kingdom in the smallest seed
Consider that giants fall to stones and slings
Consider a child in a manger
Consider the story isn’t over
What can be done with what you still have

For some reason the stuck a chord with me (all the puns intended). I mean I’ve been believing what has been said about me even when its not coming from God. This is the gullible part I mentioned earlier, I believe too much about what people, and things say about me. How what ‘things’ I have say about me and that has got to stop. On top of all that I have also felt like the beaten, the poorer, and the so-called loser, however God’s in me, and that is Huge. I consider this song a kind of anthem for the walk I am on with Christ at the moment, I am realizing how little I am and how small a contribution I make to His kingdom, but, thats ok because its his kingdom and…little is much. This is the journey I’m on, wanna go for a ride?

My baby’s got the bends – Oh no!

meeshak — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 06:07:45 +0000

I’ve been listening to a lot of old Radiohead tonight specifically stuff from the album “The Bends”. And…I was going to say ‘ironically enough’ but now that I think about it maybe there isn’t anything ironic about it, maybe you should ask Alanis….I was listening to the title track from the album and one song line got stuck in my head and I kept thinking about it over and over again:

” I need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain
’cause I’d be scared that there’s nothing underneath”

- Tom Yorke, Lead Singer, Radiohead

Sometimes I tend to put on a front of a guy who has it all together, I have a great job, I’ve found the love of my life, I have tons of friends and a church that loves me. Why is it that sometimes I feel as though I can’t be real with people sometimes? Why do I have to wear several different hats all the time? I don’t want to be everything to everyone anymore, I just want to be……..me.

Its a scary thought but I’m not even sure what ‘me’ is anymore. I’ve changed so much over the years that things I do now I would have never thought I’d do years ago. Things I talk about now as little as 3 years ago I would never have thought it would have excited me. Maybe, just maybe…..thats all about finding out who you are? Maybe you are constantly changing and evolving all the time? Maybe I allow people and places to shape me too much? Maybe thats what shapes everyone? Nature vs Nurture anyone?

I don’t have an answer for any of these questions nor do I expect anyone reading this to have any. I suppose these are questions we all struggle with at any given time. I think back to the lyrics of the song and I think what if I washed away all that everyone has poured into my life…would there truly be ‘nothing underneath’?

“Given my tendency to err so on the sentimental side,
I will spare you my goodbyes.
The truth belongs to God!
The mistakes were mine.”

- Aaron Weiss, Lead Singer, Mewithoutyou

new beginnings….

meeshak — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:39:50 +0000

It has been a whole day of new beginnings…well ok just one large one and one small one however large nonetheless. I started a new job today, no not with a new company with the same one I have been with for a year to this day it is however I new job. There is a new aura about it, a newness that I haven’t felt since I first started to work for one of Canada’s largest banks (I’ll let you figure out which one).

Today I started helping to train people at my work to do the job that I used to do and let me tell you its a lot harder than most people think. I am exhausted but not tired, just the kind of tired you know means you did a full days work.

On smaller new I started a new book today and this will probably have a larger impact on the grand scheme of things than my new position at work will. I started to read “Blue like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality” By Donald Miller and so far I’m very very impressed. I’ll give more detail however in 6 short chapters I’ve been near tears about my own spiritually a number of times only to find myself laughing the next moment, very fulfilling.

Anyways, a new day brings new challenges. I shall write more on this book as I delve deeper into its meaty digital pages (I’m actually listening to it on my ipod….but its still reading I swear!) hopefully that will be sooner than later, but until then….I must take leave of you now.

Arrivaderci,

wanna see a movie?

meeshak — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:19:01 +0000

I will defiantly be seeing this movie, anyone want to come?

nice blog entry…

meeshak — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 02:20:01 +0000

Some of you know that I like to play poker…well like might be an understatement but you get the idea. I was browsing some poker websites and came across this blog entry from my favorite poker player. Daniel Negreanu. So instead of linking to it I figured I share it with you because I think someone may get something out of it other than me.

Without God I’m Useless

16 Jan 2007

I’m a mess. In every sense of the word my mind is not in a good place right now. I started 07′ on a high, fresh, and looking to dominate the poker world with a steady diet of working out and playing my best in the tournaments.

Bahamas went great. I stuck to my regimen of poker and exercise, totally focused on doing my best at the tables. Then I came to Australia, looking forward to the Aussie Millions and I put in a pitiful performance in everything that I did. I was groggy at all times, abandoned my workouts, and played some of the worst poker I could play.

How did this all happen? I was so focused on being a lion all year long, and within the first month I was already an absolute joke. Sure, I could have won the hands I played for all my chips, but even if I did, it wouldn’t have been a good thing since my decisions were just wrong.

So how does God play into this? God plays into it in a big way, at least for me anyway. With all of the resolutions I’d set for myself in 07′, not one of them mentioned having a deeper relationship with God in my life. I mentioned video games, working out, and all sorts of things, but there wasn’t one mention of what is truly important to me and my well being.

Too focused on “me” and less focused on the fact that without God, I am nothing. Without a close, personal relationship with God, happiness would be impossible.

I’ll be honest with you- this month I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. At one point I was super excited about working out on a regular basis, but since being in Australia, one of the most beautiful places in the world, I’ve been pretty depressed.

Not only because of my poor decisions, but also because I’m here without my wife. I miss her, I really do. Before this trip we’d really gotten so much closer and I became so comfortable with her around. I don’t think I’ll ever be away from her for this long again. In fact, I’m going home. I’m going home tomorrow. Unfortunately, Lori won’t be there for the couple days I’m home before Tunica, but I just need to recharge my batteries nonetheless.

Tonight I went out with “the guys.” It was a lot of fun and the conversation was very interesting. We ended up talking about God for much of the evening, and despite the fact that several of my friends were non-believers, the conversation was so refreshing since they never mocked me for my beliefs, and we had an open, religious dialogue without it ever turning nasty. It was awesome. Perry Friedman, a guy who I’ve always respected but never really had a chance to know personally, blew me away. His views of God weren’t entirely in line with mine, but he treated me with the utmost respect despite the fact that we disagreed on a few things. I’m so thankful for his open mindedness and his willingness to talk to me about such a touchy subject.

Anyway, about that touchy subject. This blog isn’t intended to be a religious blog. This blog isn’t intended to “convert” anybody into becoming a believer. This blog, is an opportunity for me to share with you all what is going on with my life.

On that note, I have to say that I’ve been lonely, and it’s not just a case of missing my home, my wife, and my little dog Mushu. I feel like in many ways that my personal relationship with God has faded and it kills me to admit that.

This affects my poker mind, but frankly, I could care less about any of that. I’m more concerned with the person I’ve become recently, and I don’t like that guy one bit. I’m often irritated, jealous, venomous, spiteful, arrogant, mean, insecure, and all around unhappy.

Trying to fill those gaps with things like “working out” just don’t last. It’s a great step, don’t get me wrong, but without a close relationship with God in my life, I don’t LIVE. I die slowly, I hate, I complain, I’m sick… I hurt.

Most of you, despite the fact that you may feel like you “know me,” really don’t know what it’s like to live my life. I’m NOT complaining, my life is great and I have all kinds of opportunities, but sometimes, too much of a good thing can be harmful.

Vanity is the deadliest sin in so many ways, but especially because it sneaks up on you without you even realizing it. It’s the sin I’m most conscious of, most afraid of, but it’s still a constant battle despite knowing that it’s there.

I hate to think that this blog is coming off like a, “poor me” blog. I’ve always tried to let people in, and it’s always made me feel better. At the same time, there is a price to pay for always putting on a smiley face, even when you don’t feel like smiling at all. The people here in Australian are so nice, they’ve treated me exceptionally well… but I want nothing to do with it right now. I feel safer tucked away in my room, sweating the hockey games, and the tennis.

Anyway, it’s getting pretty late here in Melbourne and I have a flight to catch. I’m seriously not even sure if I’m going to press send on this blog, because a lot of it is pretty revealing, and some may even find it preachy despite the fact that I’ve tried to be as “unpreachy” as possible.

God is important to me. My life is better when I make God the center of it. When I don’t, regardless of any tournament success or accolades, I just can’t be happy unless I feel like I’m at a good place with God.

In closing, I don’t plan on turning this blog into a religious soap box, but this is MY blog and this is what I think about. I try my best to play it safe, not jamming God down people’s throats, but at the same time, I’m not about to hide the fact that I believe.

Here’s to an awesome 2007, hoping that we all get our resolutions and priorities in order.

meeshak — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 06:29:15 +0000

What am I doing up this late?

(untitled)

meeshak — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:28:30 +0000

I had a conversation with a friend today that really blessed me and made me realize that God is very good. Some of you….well if anyone reads this and they know me they might not fully understand why I would be only just understanding this now in my walk with Christ. However, I haven’t felt really close to God in a very long time and a series of events has made me rethink a lot of things…things that I almost cannot process right now and it will take me a while and probably several entires in here to totally hash out.

On another note, I’m getting my laptop tomorrow!!!!1